


the worst in me

by firstpersonshooter



Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Feels, Lowercase, M/M, Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:29:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29945889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firstpersonshooter/pseuds/firstpersonshooter
Summary: mihael wants marcin to let him breathe. but after all, they’re breathing the same air.
Relationships: Marcin "Jankos" Jankowski/Mihael "Mikyx" Mehle
Comments: 8
Kudos: 22





	the worst in me

**Author's Note:**

> thanks Lizzie (anoptimaldoll) for a beta-read! I'd love to see some feedback on this and I hope you enjoy the read!

_“is there nothing left to keep myself awake,_ _  
__to keep the walls from caving in?”_

marcin forgot what it’s like not to ask for something. he forgot the feeling of selfless warmth. his fingers didn’t wrap around anyone’s hands anymore. every time he reminded himself of the touch he used to have on him, the positive memory blurred itself.

they might be on the same team, but mihael was just a blurry memory now.

are they even friends anymore?

not all puzzle pieces go together. some may be very alike, but they don’t fill each other. jankos should have realized that by now. this is one of the biggest life lessons you have to learn. however, sometimes the pieces are begging each other to be brought together. at least, that is what you may think. you try your hardest to come up with a plan. the puzzle pieces stand so close to each other and they are so similar, they should be put into one no matter what! so you try your best, bringing them closer and closer. after all, you only live once, right? 

some disappointments can probably be lived through only once in your life.

_“when all they ever do is try to bend and break  
_ _is there forgiveness in the end?”_

all that marcin ever wanted was someone to hold his hand when he feels like falling. he wanted his past back. he didn’t want to collapse so badly. he had to hold onto every little smile, every compliment. or maybe he was just too emotional. maybe miky was right about swearing him off last night. maybe he is too pushy, maybe he talks a lot. maybe that was the right time to “shut the fuck up and leave him alone”. 

… and the way mihael apologized right after. how his eyes started to look watery, like mirrors stained with raindrops, how his hands trembled as he was struggling to calm his heartbeat down, how the freezing ice cover of his anger slowly started to melt. under that cover, there were raw feelings. something that miky was trying to hide from jankos. he wasn’t sure what he felt anymore. did he really want to keep the barrier between them whenever marcin goes too far with flirting? no matter the answer, he needed to apologize for lashing out at him.

yesterday’s argument proved something into jankos. he tried to build everything back to normal. everything that luka left undone… everything that rekkles was trying to change, according to his own. everything that he used to have with miky in the past, before his behavior changed. but perhaps he wasn’t “the normal”. he had never been. all his attempts gone to waste.

_“i need relief; a failure's coming on  
_ _just breathe in deep; it's taking far too long”_

with his fingers freezing on the sharp, early spring air, marcin finished typing a text to his sister. he wanted to take a quick walk around the other part of the town. waiting at the bus stop to get somewhere had to last quite a while, but jankowski wanted to save his energy for a long walk in a quiet place.

in the silence, as he hoped, the scream in his head, which tells him to wither like a frail flame on a match just to teach his support a lesson, will finally shut itself down. he couldn't cry, he couldn't indulge himself in anything. it wouldn't stop screaming, denying his loud laughs. his sanity **begged** for the past to come back.

just a second before taking a step inside the vehicle, he managed to take his last look at their text messages. mihael hasn’t been active for a while. well sure, he must have so much goddamn fun right now. oh, how happy mikyx must be when jankos isn’t around, right?

these thoughts kept clouding his mind when all of a sudden he understood… he was never like that. was that what the disagreement made him do? he quickly shook his head, taking a random seat. shivering from the change of temperatures, his hands landed in the pockets of his coat. his eyes avoided the city landscape passing by the windows, knowing how overwhelming it gets to stare at nothingness. overthinking would come around sooner or later.

_“i had you in my grip but you're starting to slip  
_ _bring out the worst in me  
_ _and now it's come to end, I think I'm giving in  
_ _you set my demons free”_

marcin’s steps became faster and faster, as he wandered through the fresh air, wanting to leave the traffic noise. he was coming to peace with the painful sore in his chest that slowly moved onto his thoughts, embracing them tightly to drain out the last drop of hope. the insults still ringed in his ears, making him grit his teeth and look into the sky. deep inside, he prayed to forget, but couldn’t. after all, mihael just wanted to “breathe a little”. and how bad of a person marcin had to be to deprive him of air? love, that he didn’t want to admit, brought out the worst in him. it brought the jealousy, the spite, and the nerve to change everything, so it could be just as he plans it. but wasn’t that sick of jankos to think he would have to disrespect boundaries? how could such a wrong feeling make marcin give up on the lovely persona that he promised the whole world?

“ _“it seems no matter where I look it's always gone  
_ _with you I know I'll never win”_

still, jankowski smiled to himself quite pathetically, comforting himself by glancing at the great, grey wideness spreading above his head.

he felt his shoulder rapidly hitting an object. it was a column, nothing that would bring his attention. strangely, he noticed something actually worth noticing. a piece of paper, similar to a notice about some selling. it had small cuts at the bottom, which could allow one to rip and take away a small piece of paper, like a ticket. on these little coupons were written various times. various things, that despite being invisible, were valuable for people. jankos had seen these things previously in poland. the big, red lettering on the note said: **take whatever you need.** some of the tiny pieces were already gone. it looks like people trusted the sheet of paper with their life.

_“and it's hard to say where it went so wrong  
_ _and failed me in the end”_

marcin looked at it a bit more. he just wanted what he used to have. the warm hugs given whenever the team won a match, the friendly “i love you” that used to wake him up once in a blue moon when mihael wanted to play a trick on him. the movie nights, spent on the same couch, with their hands dangerously in between each other. the drinking games, usually lost by both of them. the awful karaoke parties where they dueled each other with show tunes. the number of snacks they could always buy for each other. the duo queues at questionable hours, spamming the chat together. helping each other fit in elegant suits, tying each other’s ties. listening to miky’s daydreams about becoming a pianist, when he wasn’t so experienced in playing the piano. the sweet, reassuring compliments, hours of talking about their insecurities, about what they fear in life. about what they expect to achieve and how they can throw each other in their plans.. playing board games, cheating in each other’s faces, laughing it off. waking up with his face in slovene’s messy, dark hair. every single day and every single night. every single joke, every handshake, and every playful slap across the face. the enthusiastic confidence in miky’s skill that jankos had every time he faced criticism. the cheerful smile on miky’s face, when he answered that yes, jankos is indeed the best jungler. now, he could be “a piece of shit” at most. no more than “annoying”. and he could do no more than “stop talking all the time and die finally”.

sighing softly, jankos ripped **“love”** off and hid it in the pocket of his coat, walking away.

they breathe the same air. one day, they’ll run out of it. the question is, whether they want to remember it well.

_“it's better when you're with me but that's better left unsaid  
_ _it's better when I'm empty but I still let you in_ _  
__please won't you stay for me_  
 _don't ever let me be  
you set my demons free…_”


End file.
